There’s a societal war going on.
One side demands we all adopt “inclusive language” around things like race, gender, and sexual orientation. The other side refuses to be coerced, and condemns its use by teachers, families, and media.
The side demanding inclusive language usage insists, “Language matters!” This is why it’s so important that everyone updates their terminology — so as to not trigger or isolate anyone. The other side denies this claim and tells them to “toughen up,” or they simply don’t want to regularly learn a vast array of new terms.
Both sides miss the entire point. Whether all of society should adopt new terms or not, this battle is a distraction.
Language does matter, but in a much more powerful way.
There are 7.8 billion distinct languages circulating Planet Earth today, as opposed to the meager 7,000 claimed by linguists.
Every person has their own unique definition of each word. Certain words are emotionally charged for some people, while being meaningless to others.
This fact goes lightyears beyond “inclusive terminology.” Even everyday words that have been used for centuries possess their own definitions in the mind of every individual.
Everyone you meet stores their own personal snow globe of meaning inside their head. I’m sure you can think of someone in your life who gets triggered by a certain word while another isn’t, and someone else who uses a common term in a unique way.
Peering into the Snow Globe
- Exaggerations: My friend Pati uses the word “now” to mean “sometime today.” When her boyfriend asks her, “When will you do that chore you said you’d do?” and she replies, “Now,” she means “before the day’s end.”
- Misapprehensions:
- “That’s not what I meant.”
- “You said X!”
- “No, I said Y…”
- Smartassery:
- “Can you help me with this?”
- “I can…”
- “…Will you?”
What’s the common thread in these examples of personalized language? If the listener were to adjust their understanding of language to precisely match the speaker’s word choice, all these conflicts would dissipate.
Pati’s boyfriend knows not to assign his own definition of the word “now” to hers to avoid frustration that she’s “delaying” in doing her chores. If he believes that, when talking to Pati, “now” means “today,” then she’s right on time. Conflict avoided!
A couple can devolve quickly when arguing, and someone uses their own words to paraphrase what the other one said. We’ve all seen it. The girlfriend states her case in her own words, and her boyfriend misinterprets the precise meaning and translates it into his own words, in turn claiming she said something else. This escalates the situation, making the girlfriend feel like her boyfriend is putting words in her mouth. This could be avoided if the boyfriend used the exact same words his girlfriend used, if he must restate what she said to resurface a point.
Fair warning! If you’re talking to a smartass, just use grammatically correct verbiage to avoid getting annoyed.
Language is flexible. To communicate expertly is to adapt when speaking with different kinds of people.
Adapt to win; adapt to end the war
When you’re faced with a problem, what changes if you see it as a challenge? Or an opportunity? Maybe even a game? Sit with those concepts for a moment and see how your mind rises to the occasion. Do you find a new approach? Do you enjoy the problem-solving process more?
In all kinds of conversations, it puts you at an advantage to use the exact terminology other people use.
In a job interview or any other “first impression” situation, use the precise words the other person uses. Notice how they respond to you differently when you repeat their word choice back to them, rather than using your own language. Do you notice a bond developing quicker?
In addition to building rapport with people, you can diffuse a lot of tension with someone you know intimately by using the same words they use. It can be hard to remember exactly what everyone says, especially in an emotionally charged conversation, so tread lightly. Tell them, “I believe you said… am I getting that right?” Let them repeat themselves or rephrase. Then use their words again. “Ok, when you said… I understood you meant… Did I misunderstand you?” This compassionate act will often keep a delicate conversation from getting heated by ensuring the person you care for feels understood by you every step of the way.
How else could using someone else’s words benefit you? How would your life improve if you looked for these opportunities rather than splitting hairs?
Conclusion
Pause for a moment to bask in the incredible invention that is language. Via this wildly complex, cooperative system, agreed upon by 100 billion people over the last 200,000 years, we can transfer meaning from one sentient being to the next. Through language, we have a semblance of expressing our thoughts and feelings to another person, so as to be somewhat understood. So that we may feel connected on this rock floating in space.
Give yourself and your fellow earthlings a break if they don’t perfectly understand you, or if they don’t use words exactly as you do. Instead of demanding that the entire English-speaking world adopt your preferred use of language, listen for what their language is.
This will make you fluent in all 7.8 billion languages, and this superpower will help you end the societal language war.
Thanks to Adam Saks, Charlie Becker, Rik Van Berg, and Henk Bruinsma for providing feedback on this piece. And to Mulyadi for the photo.
