I just completed my ninth week in quarantine, and it’s been one of the most emotionally draining weeks I’ve had since the coronavirus pandemic hit the U.S.
In addition to the factors that are affecting us all (concerns of loved ones’ health, lack of normalcy, missing our friends, general uncertainty), a few additional elements are at play in my experience:
- I moved 3 weeks ago and I’m now living alone. This has its pros and its cons, and I knew what I was signing up for when I did it. Love my new apartment, I’m a huge proponent of getting consistent alone time, and I have a great environment to focus on my projects. But I am feeling the loneliness more.
- I work in the vacation/travel industry and I had to suddenly furlough 90% of my team a few weeks ago. My day-to-day work abruptly changed from fast-moving and exciting to slow, mundane, and even depressing. We’re just trying to keep our company alive until travel restrictions loosen up.
- I’m starting up an independent venture and facing a lot of uncertainty regarding my professional future.
Before I continue, let me acknowledge that I recognize my problems are “good” problems to have, especially in comparison to what many others face right now. It’s important to not compare problems with the intention of devaluing them. “We never get rid of our problems, we just trade them for better ones.”
New home, new home issues
This week, a myriad of small domestic issues got under my skin in my new place. A few things I ordered arrived incorrectly or incompletely. My new trashcan broke in two different places and trash spewed onto the freshly-cleaned floor. I broke my brand-new Swiffer wet jet. I sliced my finger open, have no band-aids in the house, and kept getting blood all over my white walls. But the biggest and most annoying thing that happened this week was that my washing machine started flooding all over my closet floor.
Maintenance came promptly the next day, but he did not wear a mask or gloves, which made me feel uncomfortable. He said that he didn’t have one. I felt conflicted – I did not want to be demanding or paranoid, and I really wanted my washing machine to be quickly fixed, so I didn’t ask him to go get a mask before tending to my needs. He determined that there was no leak, it was a fluke, and told me to run it again, which I did. And it flooded again!
So he came back later, took the entire machine apart, and realized that there was a loose hose. He left, came back with some caulk, and said he patched it up so it should work.
I ran it again. Another flood. And I officially ran out of towels and blankets to mop it up! When you live alone, you don’t need to have too many towels…
A “professional” maintenance guy came two days later, without a mask and gloves as well. He walked all the way through my apartment, bedroom, and closet to take the machine apart once more. Within 10 minutes he told me there were 1-2 essential parts of the machine just… missing. He said he’d order them but they’d take 1-2 weeks to arrive, and suggested I talked to my property manager.
So three floods and four different maintenance visits later, I had a functional washing machine in my place again. I demanded that the fourth visit be from someone wearing a mask because my frustration had compounded and I realized I was within my right to require such protection amidst this pandemic. Still, I somehow felt “guilty” and even combative for demanding such a thing.
People problems
In addition to the domestic issues, I had some people issues this week. Two small conflicts with people I love – one of whom being my mom – occurred over text. They led me to feel like we were on bad terms. These are two of the four people that are my designated people to see during quarantine (three are my family, one is my partner). So they are essentially my anchors during these chaotic times, which is why my emotional response to these perceived conflicts was heightened.
By the time I got on FaceTime with my mom at the end of the week, I was sure we had an issue to talk through, and I was in tears. She assured me that this was not the case. We were immediately all good once we got face-to-face.
Same thing with my partner – he came over and we analyzed our conversation in person, and we shared our perspectives of the matter. We gained understanding on one another’s perceptions and realized that it boiled down to…
A miscommunication.
Three key takeaways from this week:
1. Nobody is their best self right now.
This includes me, you, and all of the people we interact with daily. Our loved ones, our coworkers, our neighbors.
Even if we think we’re doing fine, there could be little annoyances or frustrations that seep into our subconscious and rear their ugly heads in other ways.
And when we know we are not doing fine, it can feel hopeless. There is no clear end in sight to this “new normal” we are living in, and we’re still trying to make sense of it — to make it more comfortable.
Everyone has their list of 3+ personal problems on top of the ones we’re all sharing right now. For many, their individual problems are far less first-world than the ones I listed above. Still: Do not compare your problems to other people’s problems; this does not serve anyone. Focus on yourself, and what you can take ownership of.
Remind yourself of this daily, and recognize it with others when you feel exasperated. Remember that it is not just you who is under duress, but it is everyone. The saying, “Everyone is fighting a battle that you know nothing about” is exponentially more valid now than in normal times. We have no idea what other people’s pandemic stresses are, but we do know for certain that they have a plethora of concerns that they don’t normally have. Level up your perspective frequently throughout the day.
2. Lack of normalcy, certainty, and/or comfort can lead us to fall into old, bad habits.
We all have things we’re working on — bad habits we’re trying to leave behind, good habits we’re trying to instill. But it takes conscious effort to displace unwanted habits with preferred ones. And lately, the conscious mind is more occupied with things it doesn’t have to worry about under normal conditions.
Whether it is not sticking to our diet, being reactive when emotional, biting our nails, or getting lost in the details rather than focusing on the bigger picture, our minds and bodies are craving comfort. Comfort comes in many forms, but it all boils down to normalcy. What’s more comforting than something you’ve done your whole life?
Overcoming bad habits is hard enough when we’re not in the middle of a pandemic, with all its effects on our daily lives.
Be patient and empathetic with yourself when you notice these bad habits arising. To be clear – I’m not suggesting that we justify our bad behavior with the coronavirus pandemic. This actually would cause us to regress. We must always strive to improve, no matter what the external conditions are. That said, there are valid reasons that one might lose sight of a new habit they’re trying to create in lieu of an unwanted one. It’s imperative to not get down on ourselves for apparently regressing in our personal growth when we engage in an old habit. We should try our best every day, but with the understanding that some days will be tough, and we will not perform as we want to. This doesn’t mean we’re regressing in our goals. Cut yourself some slack.
Likewise, give extra patience to your loved ones, coworkers, and neighbors if they are acting up. Recognize that we are all sensitive creatures in a world that is in the process of deconstructing and reconstructing itself. Uncertainty abounds in the corona world. Humans crave at least some level of certainty, and old habits are a form of attaining that certainty, consistency, or comfort.
We’re undergoing mass, rapid change. It takes time to catch up and adjust.
3. Communication is King.
When we’re all boxed up, not being our best selves, our loved ones might be the only constants in our lives. Mine are absolutely my anchors, and the main thing keeping me afloat. That’s why it’s more important than ever to avoid miscommunications.
Be extremely careful with texting, and be much more liberal with calling and video chatting. Our perceptions of other people’s texts can be wildly skewed in general, let alone in “corona times,” and this misperception can easily cause unnecessary conflicts. The emotions that these conflicts leave us with are currently magnified because one of the few sources of consistency and comfort in the corona world (our friends and family) is not going well.
As soon as it seems like a discourse is occurring over text, pick up the phone and call. If calling is not an option at that moment, wait until you can talk on the phone or face-to-face before proceeding with the conversation.
When you do call, don’t jump into your bad habits. Calibrate beforehand, and assume positive intent. Consider takeaways 1 and 2 and ask yourself, “Is it possible that this person is not at their best right now?” and, “Is it possible that I’m not at my best right now, and/or that I could be misreading this text?”
In conclusion,
Sure, a flooding washing machine might normally be something that frustrates a person. Maintenance techs coming into your apartment without masks, however, shouldn’t lead to cognitive dissonance that eventually turns into a meltdown.
Yet here we are (or here I am). It’s because we are not in normal times and there is no playbook for how to work, create, build relationships, and foster happiness during a pandemic.
The underlying takeaway from this week is to pull into the forefront those elements that are operating under the surface. This is not easy, but it is something worth practicing every day. To make conscious what is unconscious is the first step to surmounting what plagues our minds and thus, our realities.
As a reminder, to you and to me, this time will pass. And while it’s here, we should not “just wait for it to be over,” as this is unrealistic and counterproductive. These times are unprecedented, which means we have the opportunity to achieve unprecedented growth as we consciously navigate through our obstacles. We may also hit new lows during this period. But the great thing about hitting rock bottom is that we can only go up from there. If you are cognizant about what is affecting you, you can turn rock bottom into a launching pad, and reach unprecedented heights in the semi-near future.*
*DEEP BREATHS. 18 months feels like a long time in months 1-2, but in hindsight it will feel like it flew by. Just look back to any 18-month period in your life to remember.
Be patient. Be empathetic. Be conscious. Take notes. Check in with yourself multiple times throughout the day. Some days will suck. Review, realign, and try again tomorrow. One day it’ll all be over, and you can look back at all your battles won with a smile, as well as a sigh of relief.
