I recently saw a tweet shaming non-parents who give parenting advice.
As a non-parent myself, I wholeheartedly respect this logic. It makes sense. You wouldn’t go to a non-doctor for medical advice, or a non-lawyer for legal advice, or a non-investor for investing advice, would you?
But this is imperfect reasoning. You can’t compare parenting to endeavors such as these. The difference between parenting and any other undertaking is everyone has some experience with it, whether they want to or not. We were all raised and/or abandoned by parents. We were parented in one way or another, whether by our biological parents, adopted parents, foster parents, grandparents, or friends’ parents. We all endured trauma from our caretakers at some level, and we learned what was effective and what wasn’t. For the sake of brevity, I’ll refer to all types of caretakers as parents from here on out.
As adults, we reflect on our upbringings. There are aspects of the way we were raised that we are incredibly thankful for, and there are aspects which we recognize our parents could’ve done better. We’ve all thought, “If I’m ever a parent, I would… and I wouldn’t…”
My friends are having a baby in less than two weeks.
They, unlike the Twitter shamers, strongly encourage parenting advice from everyone, including us non-parents. They recognize they don’t have to take all advice to welcome it. I think this is ultra badass of them.
This morning, the three of us had a conversation for three hours. We each came to deeper insights as we built off one another and passed ideas around like a delicious charcuterie board. The conversation energized me and filled me with hope. Although you didn’t ask, I’m publishing the insights I took away from it.
Well, you didn’t ask, but my friends did.
Aside from the no-brainers like “raise an honest person with a good heart,” the overarching advice I have for all parents is to raise a kid who thinks for him or herself. Society desperately needs thinking for oneself to become widespread, and it’s preferable to have kids grow up that way rather than have to unlearn programmed behavior.
School, omnipresent media, and the constant use of social media are among the top culprits for raising generations who struggle to think for themselves. People are preoccupied with being liked and “in the know.” Simultaneously, they’re trying to unlearn thinking habits they developed in school, such as “knowing the ‘right’ answer is more important than understanding the problem.”
It is up to parents to instill deep, critical thinking in their kids. Parents hold a great responsibility on their shoulders — raising the next generation of thinkers, problem-solvers, and doers. Parents are also influenced by media and their echo chambers. Even us non-parents should have a certain level of investment in attending to parents and children. We all have a stake in the way children are raised as long as we are a part of society. As we grow older, it’ll be today’s children who are in charge.
Now for the practical advice.
First, mom and dad need to be a unit.
Before contemplating strategies, the most important element is that the parents are united on all parenting frameworks. Their individual tactics will differ, and this is harmless. The real harm comes from showing your child you and your partner can be divided on an issue pertaining to him or her.
The classic example is when a kid asks dad for something, and he says, “Go ask your mother.” This tells the kid that dad would be ok with it, but mom is really in charge around here.
If you need to consult with one another on certain decisions, don’t make the kid go in between. Mom and dad are the adults, heads of the household. Professionally, we have 1-on-1s with our boss or cofounder once a week to once a month to discuss performance and strategy. The same attention and care should be given for a child. The parents should meet for an hour at least twice a month to review parenting challenges, concerns, and ideas. This will likely reduce disagreements related to their kid as it paves the way for consistent alignment.
“The parents are cofounding a person,” my friend asserted today.
Those parenting frameworks should be crystal clear.
Group projects such as working in an organization or cofounding a company are more likely to succeed if there are commonly understood principles. These principles guide everyone’s decision-making. We should do the same for starting a family (perhaps the longest group project you’ll participate in). Rather than having a playbook for every possible situation that could arise (an impossible feat), rely on decision-making principles. These are usually one-liners that can pop into your mind easily. Examples may be, “Lead with curiosity,” “Be consistently emotionally available,” “Always be honest,” “If one person is shouting, nobody else can shout.” Here are my personal guiding principles.
Your principles will likely adapt over time. They should be reviewed and discussed periodically in those 1-on-1 parenting meetings. They should be pored over and each parent should have a written copy. These parenting principles will turn into the principles exuded throughout the household as the family grows.
Having regular parenting meetings and portraying your principles don’t guarantee you’ll raise a kid who thinks for themselves. To raise a kid like that, the following frameworks can be sprinkled into your guiding principles and adapted as you see fit.
1. When your kid has a question, try to answer with another question.
Especially, “What do you think?” Not to play mind games, but rather, to intentionally engage with your kid. Don’t just give them the answer every time they ask a question. Prod deeper. Help them explore what they think. Help them explore why they think that. Try not to shut them down, even though their ludicrous ideas and questions may be incessant. This will develop critical thinking while continuing to encourage inquisitiveness.
Think Ron Swanson mentoring Leslie Knope — when she comes to him with a problem she’s facing, he never tells her exactly what to do. Rather, he tells a brief anecdote about a radiator and helps her see the answer herself.
“You cannot teach a person anything, you can only help him to find it within himself.”
Galileo
2. Beware of anything you’re deeply convicted about.
Be cognizant of how you talk to your kid about this topic — and even more challenging — how your behavior exemplifies your opinion of this subject. Kids learn more through watching what you do than through listening to advice or instructions.
Three topics that commonly cause conflicts among family members who disagree about them: religion, politics, and education. Do you have firm ideas about what religion your kid should or shouldn’t practice, where they should fall on the political spectrum, and which educational path they should follow? Tread lightly. They will naturally develop their own ideas about these subjects over time.
The more firm a parent tends to be on an idea, the more it messes their kid up, no matter how good their intentions are. The kid will either succumb and blindly subscribe to the belief, only to question it later, or they will rebel and polarize themselves from you. The trick is to start encouraging them to consider what makes sense to them from an early age, and continue talking about it over time without pushing your beliefs on them.
3. Be cautious of the lenses you put on to examine and discuss an issue.
Using labels such as democrat, republican, Christian, atheist, upper class, lower class, white collar, blue collar, wealthy, working class, “urban,” Asian, Black, Latino, gay, transexual, Muslim, Jewish. Why call this out in the first place? What does that teach our kids to think? How does that teach our kids to think?
Consider it. When is it necessary to use these labels? They shade in context, which can be useful. But is it possible that certain contexts are harmful? Consider what it would look like to never use these labels in the household. What if people were just people? All classes, all genders, all religions, all political parties, all sexual orientations, all races. Wouldn’t that cultivate kids who think for themselves? To consider, honor, and dispute the opinions of others for what those opinions are rather than who said them?
4. Here’s a thought experiment to run with your partner:
How will you react when your kid has an idea, belief, or opinion you disagree with? The way you respond will have a trickle effect throughout the kid’s adolescence and even as he or she grows into an adult. Thus, you should have a plan for this in advance, again, as a unit.
Just like in point #1: the kid has a question. What do you do? Ask more questions. Try to understand, and lead them to understand their purport more deeply. When prodding your child on their idea, if done with respect, one of two results will materialize.
- They will be enlightened and opened up to new ideas they hadn’t considered, leading their belief to evolve.
- They will deepen their understanding of this belief, as they will have considered alternative viewpoints.
But these results are of secondary importance to the underlying effect of this practice, which is that your kid is shown how to debate ideas respectfully and curiously. They will develop the habit of seeking truth rather than “being right.” Your child will learn their ideas are still valid even if they’re not the majority. And they will not fear holding a contrarian point of view at the risk of being ridiculed or disliked.
Just like in mentorship, parenting is about teaching kids how to think rather than what to think. And it’s probably the hardest thing a parent will ever do. I respect and admire parents of all kinds.
It’s important to call out that this is all easier said than done. Parents are human and they will make mistakes. One slip-up won’t cancel out all the good you do for your kid. At the same time, it’s equally important that parents understand the responsibility of raising a child. “Having a baby” is not simply having a baby. It implicates changing your life forever and pulling a lever in society. Your baby could turn into a person who changes the world. This is why we should have rigid goals if we choose to reproduce.
As someone who has never wanted to procreate, over the last few months I’ve been challenging my stance on the matter. Lately I’m paying much more interest to raising the next generation. It’s meta-mentoring. It seems like one of the most noble contributions we can make to society… so long as we do it with intention.
Dedicated to my dear friends, Maggie and Ryan. Thank you for welcoming ideas from all kinds of people. You will make superb parents, and I’m so excited to welcome your baby to the world.
