Every day I miss you.

Every day you cross my mind. When you do, I smile.

Other days, a lump forms in my throat. Heat rushes to my cheeks as tears form in the corners of my eyes. I either wipe them away, or let them pour out. Depends on the day.

Every now and then, I chuckle at a memory of us. A time or two, I’ve tilted my head back and out came an uproarious laughter.

Oh, how I miss laughing with you.

For what felt like an eternity, I didn’t know whether you missed me too. Worse, I didn’t know if you’d let me see you again. The thought of you no longer being in my life was like 100 wool blankets around me in the summertime — heavy, suffocating, and dark.

And sure, you’re not “in my life” now. I haven’t seen you for almost eight months. Even though I’m conscious of this fact, I’m crying as I write it, when a moment ago all was well. All was “normal”… as can be without you here, anyway.

Eight months. By far the longest I’ve gone without seeing you in these 14 years.

I remember the first time we were apart. It lasted for three months, and it was painstaking. At least then you would talk to me, when you could.

The feeling of missing you is like a constant embrace from a stranger. Unfamiliar, uncomfortable, unwelcome. I want to push it away and invite you in its place.

Oh, how I miss your hugs.

When I was in the Cook Islands for 10 weeks, I missed my parents. I missed my brother. I missed my then-boyfriend, even though we broke up when I got home because I’d changed so much. I missed my dog, who died of old age when I was away. And even though it cost me more than I could afford, I texted you when that happened. Because I needed to talk to you when I was in pain, and no amount of money could outweigh that.

Maybe above all, I missed you. 

That was over six years ago.

I used to hate missing people I love. It was like a constant, unsettling shadow I wanted to rip away from. Like tinnitus reverberating in my skull, taunting me. Reminding me. You’re not by my side.

One day, I reflected on how to say I miss you in Spanish. There are two ways to say it:

• Yo te extraño
• Te echo de menos

For a native English speaker, it takes some time to get used to this format. In both these forms, the word-for-word translation is not “I miss you.” Rather, it is:

You are missing from me.

• “You (are)… from” = te
• “Missing… me” = Yo … extraño

If that’s too much to wrap your head around, don’t overthink it and simply trust me.

When I grasped the translation “You are missing from me,” I thought about a completely different concept. Rather than imagining missing a person, my mind drifted to items that go missing.

What does it mean when an item (say, your car key) is missing?

It means it’s not in its rightful place.

Now, when I miss you, I understand it’s because you’re not in your rightful place.

By my side.

Although this notion doesn’t heal the pain, I respect it, like beautifully haunting poetry.