To be a kind leader, or a direct leader?

This is a question that many, if not all, first-time leaders face. Becoming a leader comes with many challenges. Establishing your leadership identity is a big one.

The basis of effective leadership is being respected. Most leaders also want to be well-liked, as they are human. A leader’s main goal is holding their team accountable for their KPIs. The act of doing this is how leaders tend to earn respect among their team. Showing kindness is how leaders can balance their respect with being well-liked.

That all sounds fine when everyone’s doing exactly what they should be. It’s when things are not all going as planned that leaders wonder how to approach the situation. Too direct, and they could be seen as stern; too kind, and they might not be effective. I faced this when I was first promoted to Team Lead in my company — I established rapport with my new team right away. They were receptive to me as their new leader, which alleviated me. But soon I began to uncover problems on the team, and I started to ask myself…

How can I give negative feedback in a clear way while still being kind?
How can I reject requests from my team without making them dislike me?
How can I implement changes that people don’t like without ruining my reputation?

These all boil down to: How direct vs. kind should I be to maintain both respect and rapport among my team members?

How can I give negative feedback in a clear way while still being kind?

Being kind and being direct are not isolated occurrences. They are qualities that appear repeatedly over the course of time. Additionally, if you believe that these two traits must be mutually exclusive of one another, then you have a self-limiting belief.

Let’s establish this now: directness is not rudeness. While I can’t speak for all cultures, this is true in the western world in 2020. Therefore, directness is not the opposite of kindness. Rudeness is actually the opposite of kindness. And I highly discourage all leaders from being rude. It doesn’t generate a positive work environment and it diminishes the feeling of safety among the team.

Still, many people are afraid of being direct when giving feedback because it can appear, and even feel, like being rude. We are fearful of offending people so we tend to sugarcoat, which, in essence, is beating around the bush. This fear of being considered rude and desire to be kind can lead us to being indirect, which is extremely dangerous territory for leaders in all industries. Let’s consider some synonyms for the word indirect:

Ambiguous
Implied
Complicated
Erratic
Long-winded
Meandering
Rambling

When was the last time you were thrilled about receiving ambiguous feedback? What about a time when you wanted to have your feedback described as rambling or long-winded?

Clearly, indirectness is not an effective style for delivering feedback. So why would a leader even consider the question “How direct should I be when giving my team feedback?”

The answer to that question is EXTREMELY! Be direct every time you need to give instructions or feedback. If your team has clear direction, theoretically, they will hit all their goals and you have done your job. On the contrary, if your team does not have clear direction, they will meander through their work and if they hit their goals, it will be by pure luck. Not to mention, they will feel more frustrated and less fulfilled, because they don’t know what they’re aiming for or if they’re on the right track.

Giving direct instructions and feedback will:

Set clear expectations with your team.
Guide your team through complicated processes.
Generate transparency and trust among you and your teammates.

The supposed paradox of kindness and directness

Many leaders are great at giving direct feedback, but then they struggle with how friendly they should be with their team, especially with someone who is not in good standing.

Being kind is a lovely quality that people tend to like. Being kind should be the norm in all settings, including business settings. Kindness means being friendly, asking how others are doing, smiling, being considerate, and showing interest in the interests of others. As a leader, knowing the personalities and interests of your teammates at a surface level goes a long way — and it’s all that you really need. You’ll learn this through asking them what their weekend plans are and partaking in minimal small-talk around the office and at the beginning of 1-1s. This is a 5-minute-per-day investment that shows your team that you are a human, you recognize that they are human, and you have their best interest in mind.

Your level of friendliness will vary based on your personality, but there is a basic human decency that everyone can recognize as kindness.

Now, if one of your teammates is underperforming, should you be less kind to him to show him where he stands? Not unless this is the playground and we’re all 8 years old. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t talk to him directly in your private 1-1 meeting.

Due to many leaders asking me exactly how to do this, now I’ll get into the details. The 1-1 meeting will go a little something like this:

~3 minutes of small talk – how was your weekend, did you catch that game, how’s your dog?

“Alright, let’s get to business.” Review of metrics and work quality. Right away, get into the problem that has been detected.

“Matt, your metrics are XX and the goal is YY. Our team average is ZZ and you’re below that too. Is there something that’s hindering you from hitting YY?“

The discussion that follows can go in a few directions, and your response as the leader will vary based on Matt’s response. If he’s aware of his shortcomings and has a valid reason for them, then you’ll move onto a supportive discussion and game plan on how he can hit his expected goals. If he’s either unaware or unconcerned with his shortcomings, then you’ll have to zero in even further and make it clear to him what is expected, and what will happen if he’s unable to produce expected results. Either way, you maintain a clear and direct approach to the problem. Matt needs to leave that meeting being 100% clear on his expectations, the expected timeline for hitting them, and the consequences if he doesn’t meet them by X date. He must also have some strategies for how to hit those goals and what to do if he has a question or otherwise hindrance. Now, Matt is fully accountable for hitting his metrics, and you are both clear on that.

Once this portion of the conversation has been completed, you will move onto different topics. He will ask you any questions he has and you’ll both be back into your “regular groove.” Maybe you’ll end the meeting on a quick and casual conversation about something you have in common, and you can share a chuckle together.

The point is, you haven’t treated your report with any less kindness just because you pointed out his underperformance. That was one piece of the conversation — that was absolutely necessary per your job titles and roles — but it doesn’t change the dynamic of the relationship. It certainly doesn’t mean that you will be rude to him or intentionally neglect him.

How can I reject requests from my team without making them dislike me?

Whether it’s negotiating a raise, proposing a new initiative, or submitting a vacation request, leaders are frequently hit with requests from their team that must be shot down. For those who are in leadership because they love to serve people, this can be extremely painful. I personally went through agony the first several times I had to say no to my team, and I even wound up in a tough position by saying yes when I should have said no. So, I had to learn how to say no while surmounting the fear of being disliked.

The answer to this question is actually very simple: Just do it. If your report asks for something that you cannot authorize, tell them no. This is very important — if you know the answer will be no but tell them, “Maybe” or “I’ll think about it,” then they get their hopes up only to be let down later, which is worse than immediate rejection. If the answer will be no, rip the bandaid off and set their expectations correctly.

However, there are many different ways you can show your empathy and even your willingness to work towards a yes. Recently a manager on my team received a vacation request from his top performer. The vacation request still fell within the last month of our busy season, and the team was already short-staffed. This meant every body counted, especially that of this particular employee. So I was shocked when this manager told me he accepted the vacation request.

Why did you do that? I asked.

Well, because she works very hard, she’s been stressed, and I have a soft spot for her.

I understand all that, but the business need demands that we have more staffing. So who will cover her shifts?

I don’t know yet, but I have a few weeks to figure it out.

Wrong answer. On multiple levels.

Why do we say no to requests?

For one simple reason: The business need. If a request meets all business needs, it will usually be accepted. But if a request does not meet every need of the business at that time, then no matter how much you like that employee or how hard they work, there is rarely a justified reason to approve it.

Still, this manager’s points were valid — this employee has a perfect track record and she’s been contributing in a major way to the team. She’s been a peer leader while the team has been pushing through a very challenging season, and short-handed. She has been understandably stressed, and we want to reward her for her outstanding work as well as recognize her human needs.

So how can you meet the business need while also acknowledging your hard workers?

Be transparent. If the reason for saying no can be shared, share it. This shows respect to your team, and it actually gets you off the hook. You aren’t saying no simply to be a dictator – you have legitimate reasons as the leader of the team.
See if there is a compromise or a negotiation that can take place. Sometimes there will not be room for this, but see if you can get creative.

In this case of this example, I would have told the employee: I would LOVE to be able to approve this vacation request. I know you’ve been working hard and it’s been a tough season. I want you to get some much-deserved rest, but here’s the current situation: We are already down one person and we’re not out of the busy season yet. If we’re down another person for a week, we will be in bad shape and we’ll fall behind our KPIs. Our customers will suffer, and we can’t have that. So here’s how you can help me say yes: Ask your teammates if they can cover your shifts. If you can get all your shifts covered, I will authorize overtime for those employees so you can take your vacation. Does that sound fair?

This method displays your empathy, justifies your stance, and it is one of the kindest ways you can respond while protecting the business need. Even if your team member feels disappointed that the answer is not yes, she is a reasonable person and she will understand this response. In fact, she will feel thankful that you are willing to work with her, and she will be perfectly happy doing the extra legwork. After all, it is her vacation request.

If you must reject a request from your team and you cannot reveal the reason, nor find a compromise, you can at least show your empathy while standing your ground:

I understand why you want to do this, and I wish we could make it work. Unfortunately, due to our needs and goals, I will be unable to approve this request this time. I appreciate all your hard work and especially your understanding in this matter.

It is vital to not blame your superiors for saying no to your team’s requests. If you say, “I would say yes, but my boss says no,” you might think you are earning respect from your team, but in fact, you are doing the opposite. What this statement says is: “I am powerless,” which means that your team reports to a powerless pawn. Not much feels more demoralizing than being below the lowest man on the totem pole.

If your team is upset that you shot them down, remember that this feeling will pass. Emotions, by nature, are temporary. In fact, your team will actually respect you more for being able to say no sometimes, as this is a display of your accountability for team goals. They will not hold it against you, and if they do, they are likely toxic and shouldn’t stick around.

How can I implement changes that people don’t like without ruining my reputation?

Change scares everyone, even if the change benefits them. People get attached to what they know, so their knee-jerk reaction to change will usually be resistance. Leaders cannot let this deter them from implementing necessary changes.

Not long after becoming Team Lead, I realized that the compensation structure of my team would have to change. They were earning commissions that would soon go away due to a tech advance that was around the corner. I did market research and worked with HR to propose a new compensation structure, which would include a much higher base salary, but no commissions.

I thought my team would be thrilled by this, but their reaction could not have been further away from happiness. When I provided them contract addendums with the new salary offering, not a single one of them signed it, and instead, they teamed up and wrote me a letter as a counteroffer.

I was appalled. After all the legwork and negotiating I had done with HR to get these improved salaries in place, they teamed up on me in defiance?! They literally unionized against me and I could not have felt more unappreciated.

Leaders must remember that, as long as they are fair, a revolt on the team is usually not personal. Your employees aren’t saying no to you, they are saying no to the change.

I learned through this process that the only way to implement a change that people don’t like without ruining my reputation is to:

Don’t speak about the change before it’s ready to roll out or be announced. I made this mistake myself by telling my team, “We’re gonna get rid of these commissions.” What they didn’t realize (because I ignorantly forgot to share this part) was that their base salary would increase with the removal of the commissions. Yeah… important detail for someone who earns ⅙ of their monthly salary via commissions. You want the change to be fine-tuned and polished by the time you present it to your team, so that you can share the full story and you have answers to all of their questions that will undoubtedly arise.
Ensure the decision is extremely well-researched. Make sure that you aren’t making a rash or under-researched decision. Rushing into decisions is one of the most dangerous actions a leader can take. Feeling pressured by outside forces should not influence you to implement a change that you have not investigated thoroughly. You must be aware of every possible avenue that you can take – the pros, the cons, the costs, and the rewards. Not only must you know the what and the why but the how and the why not. You need to know how you can answer every question your team will ask. If your team asks you something that you did not think of, do not BS an answer! Be upfront and state that you aren’t sure, but you will get them the answer ASAP.
If it’s actually a negative change (your employees will have a less positive experience in some way due to it), know all the reasons for it and that it is truly the best possible alternative.

Your team will get over it. Tomorrow’s a new day. Don’t take it personally that they’re upset — let them process it in their own way, and keep supporting them. Their confidence will rebuild as they observe you sticking to the mission of the team and maintaining your commitment to being their leader.

In summary

Leaders are humans too, so they are susceptible to the challenges of navigating the social jungle. These days, there are more ways than ever to offend someone or put your foot in your mouth. While it is important to be sensitive to this, the fear of being disliked is a slippery slope in leadership.

Always keep your goals front of mind as a leader. Remember that it is your job to hold your team accountable for hitting their metrics and other goals. If this is your core framework, then deciding how to approach underperformance, rejection, and rolling out changes should become a lot more automatic. When you fear what your team will think of you, ask yourself: Am I in the right for this? What would be the alternative to this (feedback, rejection, change)?

Kindness is not the opposite of directness. They are mutually attainable qualities. Do not mistake ambiguity, obliviousness, or lack of accountability for kindness. As a leader, directness is your friend. Make it a habit – your team will thank you for it.