Why do we prefer some friends to others? Why do some people naturally become our “core” friends while others remain in secondary and tertiary circles, and some at acquaintance-level?
And when someone becomes a close friend, what makes them stay? Is it inherently bad to end a friendship? How and when should one decide to “break up” with a friend?
Complex factors are at play when meeting people, sorting them into ranks, and evolving with them over time. There are obvious elements involved, such as personality matches, common interests, and similar demographics and experiences that organically draw people closer together. But something deeper qualifies our best friends.
Our evaluation of how much proximity, time, and involvement we want with others largely depends on our core values.
What do you value most in a friend? I recently determined my friendship values (in loose order):
- Honesty/Directness
- Empathy
- Reliability
- Supportiveness + Encouragement
- Secure with oneself
- Acceptance of my whole self, flaws and all
- Inclined towards self-growth, in constant pursuit of evolution
- Sense of humor
- Intellectual curiosity
- Open-mindedness
- Silliness!
In reflection, I noticed the people who I continually gravitate towards check all these boxes consistently. But more importantly, my “best” friends respect my topmost core values. The further down the list of values we go, the looser I grip onto its importance. “Good” friends tend to demonstrate 70-80% of the traits I value. Acquaintances around half. It’s no big deal if you aren’t secure with yourself, but if you’re also unreliable and closed-minded, you won’t make the leap into my closest friend circle.
Of course, it’s a major plus if we share interests and similar life experiences too. Then we have a number of activities we enjoy doing together and plenty of things we care about to discuss over time.
I’ve welcomed a great many friends into my life at second tier and above. The other side of this coin is the pain of friendship breakups.
Friendship breakups are so heartbreaking that it’s easy to believe they should be avoided at all costs.
But why should it be so unthinkable to let go of friendships that continuously cost you energy, create friction, and present more downside than reward?
From startingfromnix on closure:
Letting go is a practice we’re not naturally very good at. Aren’t there many ways in which we never say goodbye, never close chapters? We stay stuck in love with people out of nostalgia. We stay in familiar places that no longer inspire us. We stay fixated on parts of ourselves we considered difficult or awkward or ugly or fundamentally unlovable. In those ways we are frozen in attachment to the past.
Breaking up with someone is the epitome of bittersweet. Something else this writer said to me is that contaminating the memories and losing the common language you share with this person is perhaps the bitterest part. Indeed, this is a reason we needlessly cling to others, even when the current-day version of them is at odds with too many of our core values.
I’ve experienced a couple friendship breakups in adulthood, and I spent a lot of time reflecting on them. Were they right? Could I have done something to prevent them, and should I have?
A recent one surprised me. My friend never told me the exact reason, which is meta in regards to our mismatch in the first place, retrospectively.
When she violated one of my topmost core values (reliability) on repeated incidents within a short timeframe, I confronted her about it. I did so in what I considered to be a compassionate manner, calmly letting her know how it affected me, and offering a couple potential solutions to see if she preferred one (or maybe she wanted to suggest her own alternative).
Her response was unexpected. She told me she didn’t see what I was talking about, perceived the situations entirely differently than I did, stated she didn’t think she owed me an apology (which I didn’t ask for), nor that she should change anything. She also normalized the behavior in “this culture,” but to this day I’ve still never seen anyone else do it in the place she’s referring to (the island on which we live).
What could I do but accept this response and adapt? I reluctantly hung out with her less after that, based on the core value conflict. I filtered what she said with respect to similar situations differently, in alignment with how she justified the behavior. In essence, since she refused to adjust for me, I adjusted to her with slight discomfort.
About a month later when I asked her about a strange and standoffish vibe she’d given me the last few times I saw her, she told me we didn’t “fit in each other’s lives as friends” and that we have “different values” among other things. She emphatically expressed she did not want to explain any further, and asked me to just drop it and leave her alone.
By contrast, there are my long-standing friendships, existing for upwards of seven years a piece. In at least five of these, I can count one major request from each party at some point in time. The requests were compassionate but direct, in which one person stated what the other was doing to upset them, and what they’d prefer instead. The “offender” responded by listening intently, apologizing sincerely, and adjusting for future situations. The offenses never repeated and the issues never resurfaced, leading to stronger bonds between us. I’m extremely grateful to continue regarding each of these people as close friends, in part thanks to those conflict resolution conversations we had.
My top three core values were evident in these difficult conversations: (1) Honesty (delivering direct feedback); (2) Empathy (delivering feedback with compassion, listening with an open heart, and adjusting for the sake of a friend’s feelings); and (3) Reliability (doing what one said they will do).
Clearly the friends who appreciated this type of communication both ways – when giving and receiving feedback – share or at least respect my core values.
We are a perfect value match.
This reinforces why they are some of my best friends.
Interestingly, this value match is more important than shared interests. While we have some interests that overlap, their careers, skills, and main hobbies differ greatly from mine. We also may go weeks or months without speaking, but it never harms the strength of our relationship because we have deep mutual respect, trust, and understanding for one another. This is foundational to our friendship and it’s evidenced by the fact that we can call each other up out of the blue if we need a big favor.
Everything isn’t seamless in friendships that stand the test of time. A friendship that outlasts the changing seasons of each friend’s life may require some adjustment and maintenance from time to time. Conflicts are likely to arise here and there. In those instances, I believe it’s important to share and listen openly.
My mom tells me I’m very outspoken and this can get me into trouble with friends, because a lot of people don’t like that. I appreciated this and mulled it over all weekend after my most recent friendship breakup.
When would it be worth biting my tongue and not saying something? Is it worth potentially losing a friendship to request something different, or to stand up for myself in a particular way?
For me, the closer a friend is, the more important it is that they don’t violate my topmost core values. If they do, it’s important I’m able to speak my mind and ask them to adjust. When they do, we’re all good.
Likewise, when I regard someone as a close friend, if they tell me I’ve done something in violation of their core values, I’m attentive, remorseful, and quick to adjust. If someone is important to me, that’s a no-brainer.
One more note from startingfromnix:
I do believe that closure can be self-enforced. But it does take fucking discipline. It’s a muscle. That may be tough love, but the truth is: you can’t move on to new chapters when you keep re-reading the old ones again and again and again, even if they tug at your heart, open the door, beg you to stay. Regardless of the texture of closure: whether it’s a person, a place, an old version of yourself, if you linger and never let go, you inadvertently steel your heart against new and beautiful experiences to come.
So what are your core values in a friend? Which traits are non-negotiable for you? Certainly your top core values don’t have to match mine. I know plenty of people who don’t value honesty, empathy, or reliability nearly as much as I do.
And then ask yourself, is your friend in violation of those non-negotiable qualities? How many times? Do you value being able to speak up about those violations, or is it more important to keep their company? Only you know the right answers for yourself. My way may not be right for you.
And when you have friends who align with your core values, cherish them to no end. Friends are the family we choose. They may outlive your parents and other relatives, so they will be your true family one day.
